Reflections

Growing up, I appreciated my Mom and Grandma for being there... but until I became a Mom, I never truly understood all the things they went through, both physically and emotionally... And I'm only really starting my journey as a Mom.

Right now, I'm mostly talking about the worries and stresses stemming from:

• The sleepless nights --- When Juliana was a baby, I would stand over her crib as she slept, in awe at her tiny self... then I would wonder "she's so still... ack! is she still breathing?!?" and I would try to see if her little chest were rising and falling. These days, I'd put her to bed, and she would cry or whine a little while I closed the door behind me. And then it would get really quiet... very suddenly. And I would wonder "did she hit her head? is she okay?" and I would open the door to peek, only to find her standing in the crib, watching the door for me.
• The other times when it gets a little too quiet --- when you set the babbling toddler down at the table with paper and crayons, then you turn your back for a minute to put a few dishes in the dishwasher... and it gets quiet-- too quiet. and you turn around to find her marking up the fireplace tiles with crayons. and you notice that she is watching you while drawing, to see if you will notice what she is doing.
• The growing independence --- while, I inherently understand that the goal of raising children is to coach them to become strong, independent people with a positive contribution to society, I'm finding it to be stressful and scary!
  

This last one is so very stressful... When we go shopping, Juliana likes to walk around, and will usually stay within 5 of me, although sometimes a little further, but always within line of sight.

Today, we went to the outlet stores to pick up a few things. (it was rather crowded today, I might add) She was getting a little restless in the stroller, so I let her walk for a little bit in the store, since it wasn't very crowded at the time. She was fascinated by the tv and chairs set up for kids, which luckily was near the items we went in there to check out. Slowly, it got more crowded in the store when Juliana decided to stroll down the side of the store, around people's legs and out of my sight.

I dash around the other side of the shelving display to try to cut her off at the pass... only to find that she wasn't there! I'm starting to panic... "Juliana! Juliana! Where are you?" She usually comes running to me, when I ask that question... or at least answers with a noise of some sort. Nothing... no response. I'm looking around the displays to see if she's hiding among the hanging clothes... nope! no baby feet visible under there. The front doors are propped wide open and I have a thought... start at the front door and work to the back, so that she doesn't dash outside.

I try to steer the stroller around the ever-growing crowd in the store, when I see a little figure about 20 feet ahead of me (and 6 people away), dashing towards the front door (8 feet ahead of her)! Juliana! I'm ready to start shoving people out of the way "Excuse me! Pardon me! I'm trying to catch that child there from running out the door!" I finally get towards the front of the store and round the corner of the entry display table just after she does to find Juliana stopped just behind the door, fingering the fire extinguisher.

Given the weather today, I wasn't expecting it to be so crowded there, but I can see I'm going to have to start bringing her backpack/harness along everywhere --- just in case.

But right now, I need a calming sedative or something. It didn't help that I had a nightmare shortly after she was born, that someone abducted her. And in my dream, I was telling myself "I can't go home without the baby! Derek won't let me come home without the baby!" So needless to say, that was wayyyyyyy too much stress for any day, much less on Mother's Day.

So to my Mom, thank you for everything you went through for us... the hard work, the stress, the heartache (though hopefully, you didn't have to endure too much of this). And thank you for caring so much as to get stressed out over the things we did.

And to every Mom out there... Happy Mother's Day.